You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat? Yeah? Guess what, that’s arrhythmia and you can die from it! Forgive me, I have a bad habit of always expecting the worst.
This is in fact a love story, a personal one. My mum once told me, “Find someone who makes you feel like your phone was at 3% battery and you just found a charger.” Okay, I’m lying. My mum didn’t say that. I made it up.
All my life, my heart has been drawn to things I am too afraid to let in. It is a hopeless situation and despite being worse for wear, it is my comfort zone. So this is for all the hopeless lovers like me.
It was his smile that stole my heart the first time we met. And the way his big gorgeous kind eyes smiled too, I knew I wanted to make him a permanent part of my world. He understands my mind. He knows how I am feeling and what I am thinking at any moment. He pre-empts me. We are so in sync. It is fun!
I have always believed that to have someone understand my mind is a different kind of intimacy.I spend all my time with him. Well, just me and the thoughts of him. Oh, and the ache behind my eyes.
Speaking of eyes, his are big and beautiful and kind, the kind of eyes I want to get lost into forever. So, kind eyes, a gorgeous smile, a gentleman’s way when need be.
Deeper into the eyes
Oh but with me…with me he is all hands and mouth and need. With me it is arms wrapped around from behind, all the time. Smiling for everyone, while whispering words of love laced sin. He is always letting me know how much I belong to him.
Imagine the other day I told him everything, I bared myself to him, I showed him the scarred and broken parts of me. He didn’t run. He didn’t push me away. He didn’t judge.
Instead, he held me, so tight I thought I was going to break. Like clockwork, my tears began to flow and the pain of past transgressions rocked my person. They rocked so hard it was unbearable. And after my tears turned to dust and I had banished all the memories that had made a mess of my very existence, he still wanted me.
I felt it in the way he kissed me afterwards with such unparalleled wanting and longing. I felt it in the way he traced his fingers along every fibre of my being with the intensity of an artist fine tuning his masterpiece. I felt it in the way he whispered in my ear repeatedly and almost fiercely ‘I love you, you are mine’. I felt it in the way he took my hands in his, looked deep into my eyes and said ‘I’m always here and I want this with you forever’.
In that moment, I felt a surge of peace envelope me and my strength gradually return. And with the slamming of that door, I erased history and found peace that surpasses all understanding. With the man with the kind eyes and a gorgeous smile.
How strange it is to dream of him, even when I am wide awake. I never thought love was real but now, I think life isn’t real without it! I do not want to dream of him anymore, I want him for real. Evidently, I turned out liking him a lot more than I originally planned.
I do not think I am ready to fall in love again, and there is no prospect of me ever so being, but he makes me feel alive again! Worse still, I do not know how to not want him.
This must be the definition of real pain- wanting someone so badly, having to hide it and wondering, pondering, obsessing over possibilities and never having them come true. I have no idea if he thinks of me or if he does not. I do not know where this road goes. Of one thing I am certain, if the road does not lead him to me I will always sigh and wipe at my eyes.
To him, the man whose smile and eyes give me pain in the eyes and butterflies.
Author Credits : Nowanoy.